Fathers Day Reflections

Technically I wrote this on Fathers day, but I couldn't bring myself to push Melissa's wonderful (and highly complimentary) post down on the blog.


Today is my first Father’s day since the birth of my son. That, like so many other things during this first year of Morgan’s life has led me to reflect on the complicated relationship I have with my own father and what this day means to me. I think that for most people who lose their father at a young age, and particularly sons, this day has always held a special breed of dread. This is the day of Father/Son picnics, the day when none of your friends are available to go do something else distracting with, the day for awkward invitations to go do something with someone else’s dad. It was hard to avoid not only the reminders of terrible loss and grief, but also that as a fatherless child you are an outsider.

For me there was a ritual of remembrance associated with Father’s day that always felt awkward to me, if only because it was such a jarring change to go from the 364 days I spent denying and avoiding the memory of my father to reveling in it for one. I was never able to make the transition completely. I always felt like a tourist, simply going through the motions rather than actually participating. In many ways it made me uncomfortable in my own skin and unsure of what I was doing. As an adult petty squabbles with my family eventually stopped me from going, and I was perfectly happy to stop thinking about my father entirely.

It’s safe to say that after his death my entire relationship with my father has been defined by avoidance. Avoiding his memory, avoiding the pain of his death, avoiding coming to terms with what happened, and avoiding anything that might make me have to rethink that strategy. The birth of my son has been the first event in the whole time since then to force me to change. For the first time I have a painful reminder of my own father that I cannot and would not avoid, and a powerful impetus to reconnect with all those elements of my life that I have systematically cut off over the years. It is agonizing clawing open old scars and having to seriously consider for the first time the shape of the wounds beneath. Not only my own scars, but the damage done over the course of my scorched earth campaign to cleanse my life completely of anything that brings those memories too close to the surface.

This first Father’s day with its complimentary phone calls and cards, its focus on what is rather than what isn’t, is in sharp contrast to the past 22 years of Father’s days. Today I sat on the couch, my boy cuddled in close. He was half asleep, watching Monty Python with me and giggling at the cartoon segments. With his tiny head snuggled tight under my chin and his tiny hands spread wide across my chest I felt contentment and deep love. It gave contrast to the poignant ache that still lives in my heart. For me this day is no longer simply about longing and loss long past, now there is abundance and hope for the future.

What this means in the broader sense of things I don’t yet know. I’m in a transitional state here, with the past decidedly behind me but the future as yet unclear. I know soon the meaning of Father’s day in my mind won’t be my sole, lonely creation. My children are too young now to have understanding or input, but that will change before I know it. I’m glad, I don’t think I could remake this day on my own. I relish the thought of two new sets of eyes, unclouded by the scars of grief, providing vision and a path forward.

My Gift to Steve...

I thought for Father’s Day I could share some interesting things about Steve that you may or may not know and some things you surely never knew. As many of you do know Steve is an amazing person. I would say quite possibly unforgettable. He is not only intellectually savvy but also holds strong values which are very endearing for a man to have.

I will start with a few odd facts about Steve:

1. Steve absolutely HATES getting wet if it wasn’t by his choice. Sort of like a mad feline dunked in a bucket of water he comes out with his claws/fists drawn ready for war. I should clarify though that I am not talking about dunking Steve in a bucket of water; all it takes is a flick of a wet finger in Steve’s general direction to rouse this reaction. Never get Steve wet.

2. Steve fidgets. He fidgets like a crystal meth addict coming down off a week high. Okay, so not even nearly that badly, but still pretty bad. The one fidgety thing he does that drives me the craziest is he likes to pull on his beard over and over and over and over again. I swear I can hear him doing it two rooms away.

3. Steve sings silly little songs he makes up constantly. I do believe this is some kind of genetic thing because I think his sister does it too. He has done it ever since I have known him. Say he is changing a diaper and Morgan is being grumpy, the song will go something like this, “Gruuuumpy Pants, Gruuumpy Pants, Who is the grumpiest grumpy pants.” Repeat. Say Musashi (our littlest Maltese) decides to lay on Steve’s stomach and block the TV while we are watching and demands attention. Steve will pick Mu up, stand him on two legs while holding his top two legs stretched out and make him dance while he sings this exact song, “It’s the Muuu Show, Starring him!, He’s MU!” Repeat. (Steve really will do this on request now since it makes me happy and Musashi doesn’t seem to mind so much. There is also the drunken sailor dance he makes Mu do as well, but I won’t get into that here.)


Steve is an incredibly loving, devoted, forgiving, and supportive beyond words husband. The amount of things he does for me is actually pretty ridiculous and I may seem to take it for granted but truly I don’t. I do need to express my appreciation more to him though. I will share a few of those things he does for me so willingly. Certainly some he really shouldn’t do but does anyway.

1. When I was pregnant with Morgan (and currently) he would/will go to the store any hour of the night or day to get me my latest food craving or desire. I think that’s pretty cool since I have heard some men actually don’t do this! Shame on them!

2. Steve will rub lotion into my dry feet pretty much anytime I ask him to.

3. When my back was reallllly bad back in the day and I just had to wear those knee high lace up boots he would actually put them on for me everyday and take them off. Eventually I did get a pair with zippers.

4. Steve will draw me bubble baths upon request. He will clean out the tub “Reede” style and light candles when desired. He even will play bath side therapist and sit in the bathroom for lengthy periods listening to me stress out. He somehow manages to extinguish most any worry I can come up with, with his incredible ability to verbally comfort and his rational way of thought.

5. He believes in me more than I believe in myself. He tells me how amazing I am when all I feel is the complete opposite. He makes me feel like I can accomplish anything when I feel like giving up. He constantly bombards my negativity with his barrage of optimism and positive counterpoints. He loves me.

6. This list is virtually endless so I will leave it at just these. Plus they get more embarrassing as I think of them.


And now to honor Steve’s first official Father’s day I must tell you how lucky Morgan and I are to have him in our lives and how lucky our little girl is as well. As my mom put it best, “He is one man you can leave that baby with and completely go off and relax knowing that he will take care of that baby better than any mom out there.” Steve is an amazing father. Steve is a doting father. Steve is a proud father. Steve sets a high bar for parenthood and keeps me reaching to be better.

1. Since we brought Morgan home from the hospital he has been up at night for pretty much every single feeding.

2. He gets up EVERY morning at 5am or so to give Morgan his first bottle of the day. I should mention here that this bottle comes with the routine diaper change and of course a morning song he made up which he has sung for Morgan almost every morning since he was born... I will leave this one to your imagination.

3. Steve under barely to any direction from me can go into that kitchen and whip up a healthy homemade vegetarian baby food concoction like no one else!

4. After getting home from a 10 -12 hour day of work and facing very little time to get all his school work done he will still take over with Morgan so that I can get a break.

5. He can make Morgan laugh the hardest.

6. I hear constantly how babies will shy away from their dads who work full-time and cling to their mom when the dads get home. When Steve gets home I become chopped liver in Morgan’s mind all he wants is his dad. He gets so excited to see Steve it almost makes me feel a little jealous. I believe this reaction stems from the amazing part Steve plays in his life and how engaged Steve is with him.

7. Steve is a hard worker and supports our family so that I can stay home and care for Morgan. Daycare just really isn’t an option for our family right now. Not only does he support us by working he also is going to school for business and a law degree at the same time. There really is nothing more attractive than a hard working man. He really deserves a medal.

8. Steve is a gentle, caring, loving, soft teddy bear jungle gym of a father to Morgan. Even when Morgan is tugging on his beard and hitting Steve’s face as hard as his little baby hands can, Steve just smiles and laughs.

9. As I am sure you have realized by now, but I must state anyway, Steve is not afraid to be silly. Steve will sing, dance, play, and act like a complete dork for the sake of entertaining our son. And this is not just at home (unfortunately) he takes these antics anywhere we go like the grocery store for example. He will fly Morgan through the produce aisles and sing silly songs embarrassing me to no end!

10. Steve deserves some credit for putting up with my crazy antics as well. We bump heads on a few things. I am seriously over-protective of Morgan. Well, I don’t think so but Steve does and even though he disagrees with me on some things he typically respects my craziness and goes along with it for the most part to make me feel better. That’s just the kind of guy he is!

All of this is meant to say Happy Father’s day to my Steve and to sincerely thank him for all that he does and all that he is. I love you.

Meet our Baby Girl...

Finnnallly our scanner is working again, so the first thing I did was scan the ultrasound photos from the end of April. If you click on the picture you can see it larger. Here she is in all her little baby glory...



I think they look creepy like this but still neat to see. :)

Smarty Pants Wax

In case you missed it yesterday was Morgan's 10 month Birthday! This means in just 2 short months he will be one year. This also means in just 3 months and 2 short weeks he will have a baby sister. I have decided we are going to have a beach BBQ at Kayak Point for his birthday at one of the Picnic shelters on the beach. More to come on that.

Yesterday, I had Morgan in the living room playing while I was in the kitchen doing dishes and all of a sudden I heard the opening sounds of a movie starting. I went into the living room and found that Morgan had somehow got the X-Box controller and managed to scroll through our Netflix queue (which has 200 some movies in it)to his favorite movie, Elmo, and turned it on! I was shocked to say the least. That is some serious random luck perhaps even a little thought went into it; I am still unsure. I went and grabbed the camera and snapped a shot of him with the controller so that I would have some proof of this happening. ;)Literally when I came in he was sitting up holding the controller with both hands just like we would and was staring at the television.



Later that night he passed out cold with a bottle still in his grips, we took it away of course but I had to get a shot of this since it is rare he goes to sleep all on his own;) Plus, I love how his little legs are completely relaxed like that.



And now for the grand finale of news...

On Monday, one whole day shy of 10 months old, Morgan took his first steps all by himself! He went about 4 steps or so chasing his blanket I was dangling out in front of him=)I have read this could happen and then nothing again for months, BUT the very next day he did it again 3 more times and all 3 of these times you could tell he knew what he was trying to do! So, I expect my little pro-crawler is soon going to be graduating to pro-walker status in no time.


Phew! I am officially caught up on news now.

Weekend Photo update (yeah I know it's Wednesday but I'm pregnant and tired:P)

Here are more photos from last Friday. Steve gets to work from home on Fridays so there are several photos of him on his laptop working. Morgan is obsessed with our laptops especially the cord. He likes to unplug them from the back of the computer and then wave the cord around until we can wrestle it away from him. These occurrences have invoked the mighty "NO" word. His typical reaction to getting told "No" is to pull his hand back and then stick out his bottom lip and give you the sad puppy dog eyes. Sometimes he even goes into a full fledged tantrum that we get to completely ignore.

Here are a few random shots of him playing Friday afternoon. This particular one below is of him chewing on his phone we bought him after he destroyed my cell phone.


I wonder what he's thinking...






Sunday we went to Kayak Point for a few hours and played. There is a great playground there and he got to swing for a while. He then walked all over with his truck. He was pretty serious during that part. The rest of the time we laid out on the beach playing in the rocky sand and surf with his shovel and bucket.

Mood Swings, Cravings, Exhaustion, OH My!

Yep, that sums up the weekend pretty well actually. ;)

Spring 2009

I am not sure if I like my new method of sharing photos via Shutterfly slide shows. The pictures are small and you cannot see my descriptions unless you actually go to the site and look at them individually.

For now I will leave you with this slide show until I decide what I'm going to do in the future. These are pictures of my gardens and a couple blurry ones of Morgan trying to steal my camera! And yes that is my pregnant belly he is climbing up=)

Click here to view these pictures larger

Daddy's Boy

I absolutely HATE to admit this and it breaks my heart just a little but Morgan we believe has said his first word.

This afternoon he had just woken up from a nap and as I was holding him on the couch Steve was talking to him and telling him to wave to daddy. All of a sudden Morgan paused and said one thing "Daddy". It was clear it wasn't just babble he said it distinctively and all by itself.

My first reaction for some reason was to put my hand over his mouth;) Steve and I just sort of sat there stunned for a minute. I am of the opinion and strongly believe that Steve has been going in and whispering "Daddy" over and over again into Morgan's ear at night while he sleeps.

Everyday I work with Morgan to say "Mama" NOT "Daddy"!

All joking aside it was very cute and I am glad he loves his dad so much. He truly adores Steve. Each day when Steve gets home he is sooooo excited to see him. If Steve tries to leave the room he will start crying. It is very sweet. I have joked for months now that he is a daddy's boy but this really confirms it. =) It's not fair!

Our Hot Potato

Wow, it was unbelievably hot today, I am looking forward to the weather cooling down this weekend. Morgan was so hot all day! He missed two naps and fiiiinally went to sleep almost two hours past his bedtime. Hopefully this means he will let us sleep in tomorrow. =) Steve gave him a cool bath this evening and I gave him several frozen plastic teething rings to chew and suck on which seemed to help. In the end I think pure exhaustion won him over and he is now sound asleep in just a diaper.

Also, today I spotted a third tooth right next to the bottom two he already has, woohoo!